By Funke Egbemode
‘Whose idea was this whole ‘husband snatcher’ theory? Who started it? I asked my friend. He’s a man, street-wise one too.
‘Women.’ He said simply, and continued scrolling through the Whatsapp messages on his phone.
‘Women what?’ I asked, covering the screen of his phone with my palm.
‘Women started it, like many other theories. You people are very creative especially when it comes to intimate affairs.’ He winked and chuckled.
‘Come on, be serious.’
‘I am as serious as let-us-pray. Have you ever heard a man call a woman husband-snatcher?
Oh wow, that’s true. I said under my breath.
‘A man knows how any story that will end up with ‘husband snatcher’ is written and we know men play active roles in the snatching. It is women who turn the story upside down so they can accuse their fellow women.’
My friend has a point because I had not heard a man accuse a woman of snatching a man but I do not agree completely. Yes, men do the snatching most of the time but some women, my people, some women are single-minded when they want a man. They go all out, meanly and evilly, after any man they want. And I am not talking about single rich babes who go shopping for husbands just like they’ll go after a new model of Range Rover. The snatching deals cut across all ages, social and religious strata. But we will get to the details later.
When is a man considered to have been snatched or better still when is it correct to say a husband has been snatched? At what point is a woman qualified to wear the infamous title of ‘husband snatcher’?
Let us say it the way it is, the way men have admitted it is. Men love to hunt. They naturally want more than one woman. Or have you not heard the special Nigerian adage ‘men are naturally polygamous’. Sure, you have. Does that not presuppose that men look and indeed go after women they can snatch? Men are the ones who see temptation and go after it. They do not need to be led into temptation. They consciously, determinedly hunt down temptation and get into bed with her. They do not flee from temptation, they flee towards her and gum themselves to her. So, how is temptation guilty? How is a woman guilty when she is the one who was chased, hunted until she could run no more? I don’t know how they do it, men are runners. Sometimes in their pursuit of temptation, they get lucky and all that is required is a 100-meter dash. At other times, it’s a long winding marathon. For men, the end justifies the means and they do whatever they need to do to breast the tape. They lie, they pretend. Whatever gets the job done.
Just yesterday I read of a young woman who thought she was marrying the man of her dreams, a man of God. He didn’t touch her flower for the length of their courtship. What better way is there to prove you are a pastor than to preserve your virgin until the wedding night? She could not believe her luck, I believe. On the wedding night, she gave it all up, gladly, beautifully. Pastor took her until she sweetly begged for mercy. How’s that for a romantic starter? But Oga Pastor was not really a man of God, oh no, and he didn’t deserve the flower he ravished. It turned out the man had a wife and three children hidden in his village, living with his mother, his unholy accomplice. That is the extent men will go when they want a woman. Oga Pastor held his desire in check to convince his virgin he was a holy man. I bet he went regularly during the Lagos courtship to download the tension in his loins into the village hard disk. The sad story ended with the poor virgin bride leaving the lying, thieving fake pastor. Now, imagine if the village wife had arrived Lagos one day screaming ‘husband snatcher’ in the middle of the Sunday Service! And when women want to stage such drama, they will arrive with the children for added effect. So, who snatched who here?
Let’s also look at the tale of Olamide who left his wife of four years when he discovered that she married him knowing fully well that she would not be able to give him children. Her womb was damaged. She knew but kept it to herself. When Olamide found out, he didn’t scream or threaten Temi, his wife. He simply went shopping for another woman. He was deeply hurt, shocked and disappointed. He could not imagine that a woman he loved and was willing to stand by until ‘God answered their prayers’ could hide that kind of truth from him. Long story short, Olamide got another woman pregnant, brought her home and proclaimed her his new wife. To spite Temi? Maybe. The new wife was, of course, accused of husband snatching but really, who snatched Olamide from Temi? Did he put one leg after the other and chase after what and who he wanted, or not? That he did which makes him the active player and lead actor. Here’s the way my troublesome friend of many years, Ray Echebiri, would describe the scenario : Olamide is the snatcher while the new wife is the ‘snatchee’.
I know men are sorely tempted every day. Woman are beautifully made and we do not apologize for our curves. We are what God made us. However, that there are daughters of Eve who go beyond the curvaceous to the provocative by leaving nothing to the imagination. The slits of their dresses go all the way to their hips. The necklines of their dresses dip beyond the cleavage. Did you know the smoothest part of a woman’s body is the sides of the breasts? Well, now you know. These girls show that off too. The ones who go bra-less and pant-less worsen the cases of men who were already born with roving eyes. Everywhere they turn, they are faced with temptation and I guess they just find falling into temptation easier than dealing with the aches and trauma of resisting it.
The point here made so far: women are ever present temptation but it is men who are responsible for the rest, the hunting and snatching and the pleasures and pains that follow.
But Oga Pastor was not really a man of God, oh no, and he didn’t deserve the flower he ravished. It turned out the man had a wife and three children hidden in his village, living with his mother, his unholy accomplice. That is the extent men will go when they want a woman. Oga Pastor held his desire in check to convince his virgin he was a holy man. I bet he went regularly during the Lagos courtship to download the tension in his loins into the village hard disk. The sad story ended with the poor virgin bride leaving the lying, thieving fake pastor.
Shall we now go to the women who take seduction all the way up to husband snatching level? These are the ones I warn wives about. You could trust your husband all you want. He may even have sworn his undying faithfulness to you. You may be the best mother, wife and companion and still lose your territory to a woman who sees your husband as a project that must be completed, a challenge that must be won. They put everything into the project and I mean everything. Listen to Edna’s confession.
Edna: I’m getting married.
Zizi: Finally o, my friend. I’m happy for you and I’m also happy for Mr Moses. You can now leave him alone.
Edna: Moses is the groom. I told you he’s my husband, right?
Zizi: Edna, aaaah! The man is married with three children. How did you get him to propose?
Edna: He didn’t only propose, he has left his wife. That is why I do not want an elaborate wedding. I don’t want anybody poking their noses in my business.
Zizi: God will soon answer my own prayer too.
Edna: Keep waiting, I told you that Baba will provide fast answer and solution. You keep arguing. I told you I’ll get Moses and that this is my year but you didn’t believe me.
Zizi: You and this your Baba…hmmm….
Edna: He gave me things to put on my head, in his bath water and a few other places. The rest is history.
Edna is your typical husband snatcher. A girl like her knows no boundaries. She goes all out to get the man she wants. She is tired of waiting and praying. She simply walks up to the man and ask him out. She is also prepared for him to say no. So, she’s not shocked when he does. Note that she said it’s her year. Going diabolical and twisting the mind of a man is just means to her desired end. All Ednas have no qualms about making another woman weep. They don’t want wifey to mover over and create space for them. They want her to move out, completely so they can take over. Until and unless God intervenes, a husband snatcher will suffocate her catch with great food, exotic sex, expensive gifts, more five-star sex and uncommon pampering. The different evil powder from ‘Baba’ for the center of her head and in her unholy core will keep the man where she wants him.
*Funke Egbemode ([email protected])